clare judith bowers

reality is more magical than magic

ok, the last thing i want to do is sound preachy.  but there is this thing i've been thinking about a lot lately, so here goes...

I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.

I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

(The Five Remembrances, translated by Thich Nhat Hanh)

i love this teaching.  and i'm not a buddhist...i'm not a anything.  but this resonates with me...it pulls me right back into reality.  because i don't know about you, but when i contemplate death, i always think, OK, it is officially time to stop fucking around. 

one of the things i tend to waste way too much time and energy on is anger.  there is plenty to be angry about nowadays, so it's hard to get around this one.  but my most awful fights seem to be based on frustrated attempts to connect with other people...trying to help...trying to do something good...but it. just. won't. come. together. and it's usually pretty easy to trace my rage back to this little soft spot in me that i'm always trying to cover up...like a perpetually broken heart...or an embarrassingly earnest yearning for love and freedom.   

and the thing i always seem to forget is, if i'm fighting, then whatever i'm doing is not working (unless my goal is to fight, then, ok yeah, it's working).  and if something doesn't work, then it's time to let it go.  like the can opener i bought at the liquor store that is really good at making squeak noises, but not so good at opening cans...time to let it go.

but when i'm really caught up in a fight, it's like i become convinced that in order to feel peaceful again i need something...i need to make this person understand me...i need to cure this person's disease...i need that awesome hand-held vacuum cleaner.  and  i lose touch with something vital and real.  i forget that i have everything i need to be happy right now, that i can be at peace regardless of my current circumstances.

i don't think of peace as some kind of woo-woo, patchouli-scented refuge from reality.  i believe that peace is just the natural result of not shutting down, the natural result of meeting reality with an open heart. 

you still do what you have to do...you take out the garbage, paint pictures and protest wars.  you can (and probably will) even experience fear, heartache, joy and hope...but you don't harden your heart.  and you stay connected with reality even when the walls are crumbling around you.  life is not supposed to be smooth and unchanging.  so if my sense of well-being is dependent on life delivering a consistently pleasant reality, well...then i'm not going to feel very well very often.  but if my well-being comes from keeping an open heart no matter what, then i'll still have inner peace during difficult times.  and when life is awesome, i'll be able to enjoy the party...without worrying about how long it's going to last or if we're in danger of running out of snacks.

in the end, it's up to you.  embrace, resist or ignore reality altogether...i don't know for sure whether any of those options (or any combination thereof) ultimately has any more merit than any of the others (like, i don't believe you'll go to heaven if you're "good" or you'll get reincarnated as a poo-taster if you're "bad").  all i know is that i've tried all three in my own way...and i came out favoring the embrace-y end of the spectrum.  it feels more honest and, if nothing else, it requires far less hustle.

and that is the end of my sermon. 

- The Secret to Becoming the Person You Want to Be - Now with Strained Similes and Labored Metaphors! (alternate title: Something I Think Today, But Could Totally Change My Mind About Any Minute)

there is no Secret to Becoming the Person You Want to Be.  you just do.  and then you're trapped.  or maybe you're not trapped.  maybe it just takes a long time to figure out what to do with the person you foolishly dove into becoming. 

like, when i was a kid i wanted to be tougher and smarter.  i wanted to be self-assured.  so i set my sights on becoming strong and intelligent.  and...it worked!  i became confident and clever and semi-insightful.  i also became cocky, foul-mouthed, self righteous, judgemental and short-tempered.  and i was so pleased with my successful transformation...achieved in just one or two years!

but then...i stoppped being 16 and i realized that reading books and then throwing them at people wasn't all good times...and that maybe, just maybe, throwing furniture was not a reasonable way to deal with disappointment.  but...i couldn't stop! 

see, it's like baking bread.  when you're measuring the ingredients out, you can choose if you want to make banana bread or gingerbread.  but when it comes out of the oven, you can't change your mind...you can't extract the ginger element once it's cooked in there. 

so i'm a cranky, but kinda smart gingerbread and i want to be a peaceful banana bread.  and, after 8 years of effort, i'm like a somewhat restrained loaf of gingerbread, with bananas on top.   i don't throw things or smash windows, but when i am arguing i do still say things like "your actions demonstrate an utterly appalling lack of forethought and consideration" and "i hate you". 

so The New Secret to Becoming The Person You Want to Be is, first, accept whatever kind of bread you decided to bake when you were a kid...because, seriously, give kids a break.  they barely know anything at all.  and then, try to build a balanced meal around your bread.  like, i'm a gingerbread, right?  sweet (nice, but moody due to an excess of sugar), spicy (discerning...and, occasionally, irrationally angry) and (i added walnuts) nutty (smart and fun, but mildly emotionally unstable). 

trying to turn gingerbread into banana bread is a waste of time, but I can prepare side dishes and beverages to go along with myself.  like coconut juice for hydration, relaxation and socialization...and roasted almonds for protein and an even temper...and sauteed greens and carrots to balance the sugar spikes and to keep me light, yet grounded...and brown rice for...um, fiber and...i don't know...generosity?

sure it takes more time and thought than just baking a loaf of bread, but who wants to straight loaf (of bread) for the rest of their lives?  not me.  when i die, i want to be a huge, delicious, nutritious and emotionally balanced thanksgiving dinner.  why?  i have no idea.  it just seems better than being hella cranky for the next 50 or so years.   

disappearing bikes and working on thinking

my boyfriend's bike dematerialized somewhere between oakland and sf the other day (so if you see a wizard or a magician riding a sexy brown surly single speed coaster, let me know!) and i'm working on thinking about doing something awesome with this blog.  like, getting very organized and update-y.  i am.  in the meantime, check out all my sassy links.

today was a hard day.

sort of.  not really.  i mean, in retrospect it was mostly OK except for the fact that i fell out of my shoe. 

and i decided to start a blog...because i paint pictures.  but everyone is always like, you should write a screenplay, you should write short stories, you should paint pictures of words and then write a book about the words you painted.  these suggestions fill me with a strange mix of pride and self doubt. 

but it's a good idea, right?  it's a good idea to have a blog these days?  you know, with "links"...to all the "things"...that i am "doing"?

hello, welcome to my blog.